The Greenslade Story - The Goon Show

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First broadcast on December 20, 1955. Script by Spike Milligan. Transcribed by Debby Stark, corrections by Kurt Adkins and Peter Olausson. Additional corrections by thegoonshow.net

http://www.thegoonshow.net/scripts_show.asp?title=s06e14_the_greenslade_story

Greenslade:

This is the BBC Light programme.

FX:

[Gasps. Wild applause]

Greenslade:

Encore? Certainly. [Clears throat] This is the BBC Light program.

FX:

[Wild applause]

Seagoon:

Hear that applause, dear listener? It was not for Danny Kaye, not for Fred Lane. No. It was all for a common or garden BBC announcer, Wallace Greenslade. How did he come by this rapturous applause? It is with heavy heart and light kidneys that we tell you...

Greenslade:

The Greenslade Story or...

Sellers:

Winds Light to Variable.

Orchestra:

[Mystery music]

Snagge:

My name is Snagge, John Snagge.

FX:

[Two coins land in a cup]

Snagge:

Thank you Sir Ian. It was June, 19-quifty-qua that the lad, Wallace Greenslade, first came to the BBC seeking refuge from hard work.

FX:

[Typewriter]

Greenslade:

Good morning, Miss, I'm Mr. W. Greenslade.

Receptionist (Female - Sellers):

Oh, yes, you've come for the vacant post of announcer.

Greenslade:

Yes, I have.

Receptionist:

Do take a seat with the other applicants.

Greenslade:

Thank you. I sat down next to a man wearing a brass deerstalker, white cricket boots, and a shredded cardboard wig.

Eccles:

Ha-llo!

Greenslade:

Good morning.

Eccles:

Winds light to variable.

Greenslade:

Pardon?

Eccles:

I said, "Winds light to variable."

Greenslade:

Oh, really.

Eccles:

Yeah. Winds light to variable. I'm practicing, you know.

Greenslade:

Don't tell me you're applying for the post of announcer?

Eccles:

Oh, yeah! And I'll get it too, you'll see! I'm wearing a Cambridge tie!

Greenslade:

You? You were at Cambridge?

Eccles:

Yeah!

Greenslade:

What were you doing there?

Eccles:

Buying a tie.

FX:

[Door opens]

Receptionist:

Mr. Liddell will see you now, Mr. Eccles.

Eccles:

Fine, fine, my good woman. This is it 2,000, £2,000 a year and a pension...

FX:

[Door closes and rapidly opens again]

Sellers:

Get out, you idiot!

Eccles:

Wait a minute, wait a minute! You ain't even heard me speak yet!

Sellers:

We'll write to you.

Eccles:

Well, that's no good, I can't read. Hey! Did you see that? He threw me out! Threw me out, the famous Eccles! He got no respect for the dead, that man! You can all laugh, but he never even let me say "winds light to variant." I'm going to tell my electrocution teacher about that...

FX:

[Door opens]

Receptionist:

Will you come in now, Mr Greenslade?

Greenslade:

Thank you, madam. I was lead into the presence of a BBC official. I took off my shoes and knelt down.

FX:

[Gong sound]

Pompous BBC Official:

Now, Mr Greensleaves, can I... can I hear you say something?

Greenslade:

Certainly. Ahhmmm... "Winds light to variable."

Pompous BBC Official:

By Jove, you couldn't have picked a more... Appropriate phrase.

Greenslade:

Oh, it was nothing.

Pompous BBC Official:

Come, come! Say it again. Say it again... With a smile in the voice.

Greenslade:

Of course. [Clears throat] "Winds light to variable."

Pompous BBC Official:

Delicious! Quite enchanting! Now, say it as though it were a national catastrophe.

Greenslade:

"Ohhhh! Winds light to variable! Ohhhhhh!"

Pompous BBC Official:

[Weepy] Very touching! Yes, quite touching. Yes I... I think you have it, Mr Greenslade, you can start work at once.

Greenslade:

Gad! Me, a BBC announcer!

FX:

[Victory music link]

Seagoon:

Dear listeners, how could my private school for announcers, with it's 56,000 trainees succeed, if the BBC kept turning down my ace pupils like Eccles?

Omnes:

[...