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“How Do I Regulate My Own Emotions?” :: Charissa Lopez [Ep 482] Summer of Mentorship
Don't Mom Alone Podcast
08/05/24
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As parents, we are keenly aware of the peaks and valleys of our kids’ emotions. Anger, sadness, excitement, and all the other feelings can make us feel like our child is on a roller coaster we’re just trying to slow down.
It’s true that we all feel highs and lows throughout our day, but we rarely talk about what it feel like when we’re “in the zone” and feeling calm and ready to go. My guest today is sharing about the window of tolerance and how to regulate ourselves and our kids to help stay in that window.
“If I am dysregulated, I cannot regulate my child. So if I'm in fight or flight and I'm yelling. There's no amount of yelling that brings my child back into the window. And sometimes parents think the yelling is working, but what you're doing isn’t getting your child in the window. They're going into collapse and into a place of fear.”
Charissa Lopez is a Licensed Professional Counselor and believer. Her passion is to come alongside those who are hurting and struggling to help them find truth, hope, healing, connection, and growth. She shares some eye-opening information and statistics to get us on the path to helping our kids build resilience and stay in that window of tolerance.
Charissa shares from a faith-perspective that we as believers are not alone. She reminds us that we can lean on God to regulate our emotions as we love on our kids and go through the hardships of life.
“God himself through Jesus is the ultimate attachment figure. He is always reaching for us. He never fails to respond to our needs. He always loves us. He's never judging us and never shaming us. So to know that when we need to be co-regulated, that when I am feeling like I'm going to leave the window, I can remember the truth of who God is and I can reach out to him in prayer.”
What we chat about:
Connect with Charissa:
Links Mentioned:
Related Episodes:
Summer of Mentorship Discussion Questions:
It’s true that we all feel highs and lows throughout our day, but we rarely talk about what it feel like when we’re “in the zone” and feeling calm and ready to go. My guest today is sharing about the window of tolerance and how to regulate ourselves and our kids to help stay in that window.
“If I am dysregulated, I cannot regulate my child. So if I'm in fight or flight and I'm yelling. There's no amount of yelling that brings my child back into the window. And sometimes parents think the yelling is working, but what you're doing isn’t getting your child in the window. They're going into collapse and into a place of fear.”
Charissa Lopez is a Licensed Professional Counselor and believer. Her passion is to come alongside those who are hurting and struggling to help them find truth, hope, healing, connection, and growth. She shares some eye-opening information and statistics to get us on the path to helping our kids build resilience and stay in that window of tolerance.
Charissa shares from a faith-perspective that we as believers are not alone. She reminds us that we can lean on God to regulate our emotions as we love on our kids and go through the hardships of life.
“God himself through Jesus is the ultimate attachment figure. He is always reaching for us. He never fails to respond to our needs. He always loves us. He's never judging us and never shaming us. So to know that when we need to be co-regulated, that when I am feeling like I'm going to leave the window, I can remember the truth of who God is and I can reach out to him in prayer.”
What we chat about:
- The window of tolerance when our brains functioning well and effectively process input to make rational decisions calmly without feeling either overwhelmed or withdrawn
- When we’re out of the window of tolerance, our thinking brain is not in control and we don’t register consequences
- Many of us don’t live in the window of tolerance, but we’re too busy and stressed to stop and assess how we’re feeling at any given moment
- Hyper-arousal, otherwise known as the fight/flight response, is often characterized by hypervigilance, feelings of anxiety and/or panic, and racing thoughts.
- Hypo-arousal, or a freeze response, may cause feelings of emotional numbness, emptiness, or paralysis.
- Learning how to stay in your window of tolerance builds resilience, both for us and our kids
- When our kids live outside the window, they become “masters of survival” and often turn to negative coping strategies
- What co-regulating our kids’ emotions looks like
- Philippians 2:13 “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”
- We can lean on God to bring us to that window of tolerance and into the fruits of the spirit
Connect with Charissa:
- Website: charissalopez.com
- Facebook: facebook.com/CharissaLopezCounseling
Links Mentioned:
- Regulation Pack for DMA Listeners [WEBSITE]
- Rosie’s Brain [BOOK]
Related Episodes:
- Connecting Through Play Episode with Charissa
- Ages and Stages–Tween Edition –differentiation episode with Charissa
- Helping Your Child with Sensory Processing Issues :: Lynne Jackson [Ep 258]
Summer of Mentorship Discussion Questions:
- Have you heard of the window of tolerance before? If you look back at today, can you identify times when you were in the window and when you were in hyper-arousal/hypo-arousal?
- What about when your kids were in hyper-arousal/hypo-arousal? Are there some simple indicators that tip you off to your child’s de-regulation?
- How could knowing that your child’s thinking brain and understanding of consequences are not functioning in de-regulation change how you parent them when they have big emotional responses?
- Do you need to take more time to regulate yourself when you are upset before disciplining your kids? Make a list of strategies you can use to get...
Previous Episode
Out of the gate today we are into all the TMI topics like how to wear your gown at the Doctor’s office, mammograms, and what stage of menopause we are in. (Did you know there are five?) Cynthia’s family keeps it real as usual by washing their healthy vitamins full of fruits and veggies down with Diet Dr. Pepper.
Next up we discuss the Olympics, from what our favorite sports are to handball and break dancing, which we are pretty sure are made-up sports. I rehash my prolific synchronized swimming career and share how I impressed (read tortured) my boys on vacation by showing off my skills. Both of us are fresh off of summer family trips where I bribed my boys to play family games, and Cynthia got recognized in a hotel lobby while sternly talking to her family about taking a good picture.
Cynthia is reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamont and gives some ideas on how to slow down and take note of the little things in life so we can remember them later. I share how the pressure to list all the needed family improvements can get overwhelming so I am choosing to list what is going well this season. Come laugh with us and be reminded that no matter how messy summer is making memories and taking time with family is invaluable.
Connect with Cynthia Yanof:
Next up we discuss the Olympics, from what our favorite sports are to handball and break dancing, which we are pretty sure are made-up sports. I rehash my prolific synchronized swimming career and share how I impressed (read tortured) my boys on vacation by showing off my skills. Both of us are fresh off of summer family trips where I bribed my boys to play family games, and Cynthia got recognized in a hotel lobby while sternly talking to her family about taking a good picture.
Cynthia is reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamont and gives some ideas on how to slow down and take note of the little things in life so we can remember them later. I share how the pressure to list all the needed family improvements can get overwhelming so I am choosing to list what is going well this season. Come laugh with us and be reminded that no matter how messy summer is making memories and taking time with family is invaluable.
Connect with Cynthia Yanof:
- Website: https://cynthiayanof.com/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cynthia.yanof
- Instagram: @cynthiayanof
- Podcast: MESSmerized
- Hiya kids vitamins (see link and discount below)
- Ilona Maher (@ilonamaher)
- Crazy Rich Asians | Prime Video
- Bird by Bird: By Anne Lamott
- NYT Games: Word Games and Sudoku
- Cynthia’s apple watch band
- The Bear (TV Series 2022– ) - IMDb
- Satin Heatless Curling Set
- Bruce’s flat iron from when he chemically straightened his hair
- The Goal Isn’t Happy Children :: Cynthia Yanof – Summer of Mentorship – Wk 6 [Ep 419]
- A Mash-Up of Summer Support [Ep 411]
- Breaking Up with Perfect :: Summer of Mentorship Week 4
- Hiya–We've worked out a special deal with Hiya for their best selling children's vitamin. Receive 50% off your first order. To claim this deal you must go to hiyahealth.com/DMA . This deal is not available on their regular website
- Skylight Calendar-As a special, limited-time offer for our listeners, get $40 off your purchase of a Skylight Calendar when you go to skylightcal.com/ALONE .
- Find links to this week’s sponsors and unique promo codes at dontmomalone.com/sponsors.
Next Episode
Do you try to coach or control your kids in friendships? Whether sending them off to Kindergarten or College there are so many opportunities along the way to help them be good friends and pick good friends.
Today we are revisiting an amazing conversation with Sissy Goff and David Thomas discussing how to help our kids foster friendships. As licensed counselors, working at DayStar Counseling Center in Nashville, they provide support, encouragement, and compassion to children, adolescents, and families in need through counseling.
This episode has advice at every turn for every age and stage. David talks about dropping his son off at college and how to be a coach - not a fixer. We discuss shifting from focusing on how to get friends to how to be a good friend. Sissy breaks down the girl issues that arise with anxiety, feelings of isolation or being left out, and moms who sometimes care more than their daughters about certain social situations. This is a perfect episode heading into back-to-school season as we prepare to navigate relationships alongside our kids.
Connect with David Thomas and Sissy Goff:
Summer of Mentorship Discussion Questions:
Related Episodes:
Featured Sponsors:
Today we are revisiting an amazing conversation with Sissy Goff and David Thomas discussing how to help our kids foster friendships. As licensed counselors, working at DayStar Counseling Center in Nashville, they provide support, encouragement, and compassion to children, adolescents, and families in need through counseling.
This episode has advice at every turn for every age and stage. David talks about dropping his son off at college and how to be a coach - not a fixer. We discuss shifting from focusing on how to get friends to how to be a good friend. Sissy breaks down the girl issues that arise with anxiety, feelings of isolation or being left out, and moms who sometimes care more than their daughters about certain social situations. This is a perfect episode heading into back-to-school season as we prepare to navigate relationships alongside our kids.
Connect with David Thomas and Sissy Goff:
- Website: Raising Boys and Girls
- Facebook: Raising Boys and Girls
- Instagram: Sissy Goff (@sissygoff) and Raising Boys and Girls (@raisingboysandgirls)
- Podcast: Podcast | Raising Boys and Girls
Summer of Mentorship Discussion Questions:
- What stood out to you in the week’s episode?
- What is one step you can take to become a coach instead of a fixer?
- Could you sit down this week and have your child make a list of what characteristics a good friend has? Ask them how they are doing on that scale and if they are looking for people with those same qualities.
- Can you name one issue one of your kids is having in this area and what ideas this episode brought up for you to try?
- Are you praying for your kids' friendships and connections? If not, stop and pray now for one another that the Lord would provide lifelong Godly friends this year for each of your children.
- Common Sense Media: Age-Based Media Reviews for Families
- Are My Kids on Track?: by Sissy Goff, Melissa Trevathan, and David Thomas
- The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Related Episodes:
- Helping Socially Anxious Boys :: David Thomas [Ep 451]
- Understanding Boys Better :: David Thomas [Ep 315]
- Raising Worry-Free Girls :: Sissy Goff [Bonus]
- Emotional Milestones :: Sissy Goff and David Thomas [Ep 160]
Featured Sponsors:
- Greenlight: Sign up for Greenlight today and get your first month free when you go to Greenlight.com/dma .
- Thrive Market: Save time and money and shop Thrive Market today. Go to ThriveMarket.com/DMA for 30% off your first order, plus a FREE $60 gift.
- Vegamour:
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