Talking with Your Adopted or Foster Child about the Hard Parts of Their Story
Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption, Foster & Kinship Care
11/20/20
•49m
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Talking with your adopted or foster child about the hard parts of their story can feel like a daunting task. Should you tell your child that her birth father is in jail or that her birth mother is addicted to drugs, or that she was conceived by rape? If so, how in the world do you share this news. We talk with Lesli Johnson, an EMDR therapist who specializes in adoption and foster care and an adult adoptee; and Susan Myers, a licensed Master Social Worker with Adoptions from the Heart Adoption Agency with offices throughout the northeast.
In this episode, we cover:
1. Adopted and foster children often come to us with hard back stories: his birth parents are in jail, her birth mother used drugs or drank alcohol when she was pregnant, he was conceived via rape, siblings were kept by first family, it’s not known where siblings are, her first mother abused him, his birth father abused his mother, her first parents are addicted to drugs or alcohol, ...
2. Should you tell your child these difficult parts of their history?
3. How should you tell your child these hard parts of their background?
4. How do you lay the groundwork with young children in order to fill in the details later?
5. By what age should you have shared all of your child’s story with him?
6. Give specific examples of how a conversation might go with a preschooler, and how would you fill in the gaps for a 6 year old, 10, 13 year old, etc.
a. Child abuse
b. Addiction
c. Parent in jail
7. Can you use a lifebook to talk about rape, imprisonment, drug and alcohol addiction?
8. What is a lifebook and what should be included in a lifebook?
9. How to use a lifebook when there is jail, rape, abuse, etc in the child’s story?
10. Specifically, how should parents tell their child that they were conceived during a rape?
11. Oversharing can happen with both parents and with children.
12. It’s tempting when your child is an infant to tell people private information. Why should foster and adoptive parents avoid this?
13. When might it be important to share some details of the child’s background?
14. How do you help your child understand how much of his story he should share with others outside the family?
15. How can adoptive parents help their children understand that they are more than the hard parts of their history and that they are not doomed to repeat their birth parents’ mistakes?
Additional Resources:
Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past
by Betsy Keefer and Jayne E. Schooler
Talking with Children about Difficult History
by Holly van Gulden
Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child (2nd Edition September 21, 2011)
by Beth O'Malley M.Ed
Please leave us a rating or review. This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.
Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:
- Weekly podcasts
- Weekly articles/blog posts
- Resource pages on all aspects of family building
Previous Episode
The Holidays with Adopted or Foster Kids Who’ve Been Exposed to Trauma
November 13, 2020
•37m
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Does it feel like your adopted or foster child is sabotaging the holidays? Are there more tantrums, sullenness, and anxiety during the holiday season? In this episode, we explore why holidays are difficult for kids who have been exposed to trauma and what to do about it. We talk with Rebeccca Robotham, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Beehive Counseling & Wellness in Connecticut. She is also an adoptee and former foster child.
In this episode, we cover:
- There are many sources of trauma for children, and many adopted and foster children have experienced trauma before they come to our homes. Trauma can include neglect, prenatal exposure, abuse, domestic violence, and the actual act of being removed from your parents.
- How can trauma impact children both physically and emotionally?
- What is it about the holidays that makes it hard for kids with trauma? (change in routine, lots of people, bringing up memories, over-stimulation, change in diet, distracted parents, build up of anticipation, let down after the fact...)
- What type of behaviors might you see? (more tantrums, dysregulation, “sabotaging” the holidays, sibling bickering, depression, sullenness, anxiety, ...)
- How can families do the holidays differently to help kids who have experienced trauma?
- Trauma in adoption and foster care
- Adoptive Parenting/Foster Parenting Tips
Please leave us a rating or review. This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.
Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:
- Weekly podcasts
- Weekly articles/blog posts
- Resource pages on all aspects of family building
Next Episode
Coping with the Stress of Infertility
November 27, 2020
•61m
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We talk about Coping with the Stress of Infertility with Dr. Tonya Wood, a clinical psychologist specializing in family planning, pregnancy loss and infertility. She is the Director of Clinical Training at Pepperdine University and is 2020 President of the California Psychological Association.
In this episode, we cover:
- Why is infertility so stressful?
- What are the losses women experience when they realize that either they or their partner is infertile?
- What are the losses men experience when either they or their partner is infertile?
- Why do some patients feel shame or guilt surrounding their infertility?
- What is ambiguous loss and why is that type of loss more stressful?
- How can infertility impact marriages and partnerships?
- How do men and women deal with the stress of infertility in different ways?
- What are healthy techniques to deal with the stress of infertility?
- Importance of not postponing life while in infertility treatment.
- Should patients share that they are infertile with others?
- What are some of the cultural, racial, and religious differences in how people experience infertility stress? What are the differences in how they cope with the losses and grief of infertility?
- Are there specific triggers or times of year that are more stressful for many people?
- What can clinics and medical professionals do to help patients cope with the stress of infertility?
- What aspects of the clinic experience or treatment experience contributes to the stress of infertility?
- How to find a therapist that specializes in infertility?
Please leave us a rating or review. This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.
Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:
- Weekly podcasts
- Weekly articles/blog posts
- Resource pages on all aspects of family building
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